What Not to Say

I'm sure we've all heard that old saying that unless you see a baby exiting a woman's body, don't ask her if she's pregnant and yet that happened several times to different women in my ward just a few weeks ago. And the women asked weren't pregnant, so you can imagine how they felt by the time they got home from Church that day. While I know that my friends are the sort of right thinking people who are tactful and intelligent enough to avoid these sorts of things, some other people insist on saying things that leave me wondering if they were dropped on their head at some point. So I've compiled my own list of things not to say to a woman, but feel free to add your own.

Asking a woman when she's going to have kids--In my younger, less experienced days I thought this one was okay, but now I know that this one is riddled with pitfalls whether the woman has kids or not, especially if it's been eight years since the last one. Either she's done or it's extremely sensitive, so now I know not to bug her about it.

Telling a woman who has a adopted that she did it the easy way--unless you want to watch me melt into a puddle like the wicked witch of the west or you want a knuckle sandwich, depending on how I'm feeling, people shouldn't be so silly as to tell me that adopting is easier than giving birth. I could list all the reasons why it's not, but I'd rather not turn it into a competition over who has suffered more.

Asking a woman who's trying to adopt if she's heard anything--I thought that adopting would mean I'm off the hook as far as the when I'm going to have the next kid question, but I've heard from others who are farther down the road that instead you get the have-you-heard-anything question. If I know the questioner well enough, I'll let her know when I've heard something, but asking this question repeatedly brings up less than happy feelings when there are so many more interesting things about me to talk about.

Other good questions to avoid include how much I weigh, whether I have PMS at the moment, or which spouse has the issues that caused our infertility. In case you're wondering people have straight-faced asked us whether the source of our infertility was my husband or me. Some people might be okay divulging all the lovely details of their lives, but other than sharing details, true or not, for pure shock value, we're pretty private about those sorts of things.